


Everything that was right is wrong (Ever since, baby, you been gone)

by notnormalalert



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Catra actually has a decent support system, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Slow Burn, Super Pal Trio as roommates, catra is a mess, everyone is human, idk yet i'll tag more as i go, she was just too stubborn, they were friends but then there was BETRAYAL
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:49:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 14,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25458067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notnormalalert/pseuds/notnormalalert
Summary: When you move across the country to get away from someone, they’re not supposed to show up. They’re not supposed to still be able to ruin everything.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 82
Kudos: 151





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the song [Low by Carrie Underwood](https://open.spotify.com/track/72pvSf3nSjqB4Fuph46kJK?si=8-Lfi6gHS0OP4peYRpcD4w)  
> [Here's a short playlist if anyone's interested](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0i2u353ef8Wqiwc2k73OMr?si=MpXZuEgXSN-v1t9EhppxuA)

It was a hot summer day when Catra saw her for the first time. The most beautiful girl she’d ever seen. Long blonde hair flying around her face in the warm wind, eyes bluer than the sky itself, and a smile so bright it could light up the whole world. She was knee-deep in the mud trying to catch a frog bigger than her hands, mud all over her cheeks, and Catra couldn’t help but smile. 

So much time had passed since that day, and oh, how things had changed. The memory now brought a pinch of sadness. A reminder of what had been lost to time, of the face she once loved, the face she now wished she would never see again.

  
  


The punching bag at the gym was as good a place as any to take out her anger.

Three years had passed since Catra last saw Adora’s blue eyes and felt safe, one since she last saw them at all. All that time had passed and they still showed up in her dreams. Sometimes they were sweet and full of love, like they were all those days spent together in their own world. Other times they were darker, angry, like they were the last time. 

No matter what she did, Catra couldn’t get rid of those piercing blue eyes, and so she hit them. She went to the gym and punched the living shit out of the bag she pictured as Adora. She punched until her hands hurt and her vision blurred. She punched until she forgot, or until she couldn’t anymore. Until the pain in her body almost covered up the pain those eyes had left behind. Almost.

Looking at the blood smeared across her face Catra almost puked. Her hands had barely healed from the last time and now the skin on her knuckles was torn again. Whatever. It would heal eventually. Even if it didn’t, she was too tired to care. 

Catra washed herself off with cold water. She had shit to do. No time to waste thinking about the past - it was enough that it kept her awake at night. 

Funny how sometimes it seems like the universe is fucking with you. 

It had been two weeks of blue eyes tormenting her dreams. With barely any sleep in days, Catra still looked for ways to forget. Especially then. That was longer than the usual.

She barely knew what day it was anymore, time had no meaning. If it did, it would have made her forget. People always say time heals, so this must mean time wasn’t as real as everyone thought. It wasn’t always like this. Most of the time she could function. But sometimes all she could do was try to forget, times when all her mind wanted was to make her remember.

So during those times she set alarms for everything. The shrieking noise reminding her of everything that had to be done, keeping her from spiralling like she had those first few weeks. Best thing she could do was try to keep some resemblance of normality. Try to find something to occupy her mind so she wouldn’t punch everything in sight hoping that one of them happened to be Adora. 

Catra was walking home when it happened. She wasn’t entirely sure that it actually did happen, but it was enough to send her running into the woods. 

Her entire body hurt when she walked. Her head hurt from the lack of sleep, eyes burned from crying all night and holding in tears all day. The path by the lake was calming, so that’s the one she took most of the time. Empty. No one around to add to her misery. At least that’s how it was most days.

She stopped on her tracks when she saw it. A head of long blonde hair, shinier than gold. It couldn’t be. Catra rubbed her eyes and looked again. Sky blue eyes. No. No.  _ No.  _

That’s all it took to shatter the world. She took a step back, then another, then turned around completely and ran. She ran until she reached the edge of the woods, then ran some more. 

_ She has no right. Fuck.  _ When you move across the country to get away from someone, they’re not supposed to show up. They’re not supposed to still be able to ruin everything.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra is a mess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter, but I just couldn't wait to post!  
> Anyways, hope you like it!

Lying down on a rock is not a good idea when you’re already sore. It’s even worse when you haven’t slept in a week and are trying hard to get up but forgot how to do it.

Catra could see that the sun was going down. It would be dark soon, she should get out of the woods. It shouldn’t be happening, but she couldn’t get up. Every time she closed her eyes she could see Adora’s face, hear her voice, feel her touch. A face she never thought she would see again. 

It was too much. She wasn’t supposed to be here. 

Maybe it wasn’t her. Maybe Catra was just tired and that was just a random blonde. Maybe she had gone a few too many days on barely any sleep and was finally losing it. Those were all great options. Even if it was Adora, what were the odds of seeing her again? Of her wanting to make contact?  _ She hates me as much as I hate her. The universe is just fucking with me. _

It was dark when Catra managed to move her legs again. The pain all over her body had increased tenfold, but it was dark and she was alone in the woods. She had to move.

Slowly, Catra walked home, taking the long way around to avoid the spot where she’d seen Adora. She couldn’t even think while she walked, her brain completely blank. That was new. 

Next thing she knew, Catra was on her bed, holding on tight to the necklace she still wore, even after everything. The necklace she promised never to take off. She wondered if Adora even remembered that promise.

Sleep came easy that night. Perks of exhausting yourself beyond your limits. 

Once more she dreamed of Adora.

_ “Come on, silly! The ocean won’t bite.” Adora’s hand was stretched out in front of her, waiting to be taken by Catra’s. Her eyes sparkled with joy, drawing Catra in. She never could resist those eyes. _

_ “Maybe the ocean won’t, but there’s stuff in it that will!” _

_ “I’ll protect you. Nothing really bad can happen as long as we stick together.” Adora really seemed to believe those words and, in the moment, Catra did too. _

_ The warmth of Adora’s hand got her through it. The coldness of the water didn’t hurt as much when their fingers were laced together, like they were made to be there.  _

_ “See? It’s not so bad.”  _

_ It wasn’t so bad. Catra still hated the ocean, but everything was always better when Adora was there.  _

_ “Stop laughing, it’s not funny!” Catra didn’t mean that; she loved Adora’s laugh.  _

_ “I’m sorry, but you look so scared! It’s cute.” She giggled some more. _

_ “I’m not cute.” Catra loved the look on Adora’s face when she said that. Her golden locks flew around her face when the hot summer breeze hit. Eyes looking deep into Catra’s soul, filled with joy and life and beauty. _

Adora’s face started to blur and Catra was left staring at the ceiling. She didn’t know how much time had passed when a knock came at the door.

“Catra, why is there dirt all over the floor?” Catra could hear Scorpia’s question, but couldn’t bring herself to answer it.

“Catra?” Scorpia opened the door. “This is about  _ her _ , isn’t it?”


	3. Chapter 3

Things hit different when you hear someone else say it out loud. 

Scorpia didn’t know the full story. All she knew was the bits and pieces Catra would mumble between tears or in her sleep. She knew Catra couldn’t talk about it and she knew this girl was the reason Catra didn’t sleep. Scorpia didn’t know much but she was always there to pick up the pieces.

“Come on, Wildcat, talk to me. Can you talk?” 

Catra moved her head slightly. She couldn’t talk. She could barely think. Talking would make it real. More than the tears, more than the pain. She felt something at her feet, but couldn’t kick it off.

“I’m just taking your boots off. Let’s get you cleaned up, you’re filthy. I'm gonna pick you up, okay?" Scorpia talked while she helped Catra get cleaned, then sat her on the couch with a blanket and pillows. "There. Way better."

Catra could feel Scorpia's eyes, digging holes on the side of her head. She deserved an explanation.

"I saw her." That was as good as it was gonna get anytime soon. Three words. Three words and all the muscles in her body tensed up. Three words and suddenly it was hard to breathe again. She felt a weight on her shoulder. Scorpia's hand was warm, but not as warm as…

“I think I need to punch something again.” Catra tried to get up, but was stopped by Scorpia.

“You could barely move an hour ago. You’re staying right here. Entrapta will be home soon and we can have a movie night to cheer you up. You can even pick the movie!”

“Ugh. Fine. But if I destroy something that’s on you.” Catra rested back on the couch. She knew Scorpia was right, but she was still angry. Catra pressed a pillow against her face and screamed as loud as she could. 

Catra picked the most gruesome horror movie she could think of in hopes that the blood and gore would distract her from her misery. It didn't. Of course the protagonist had to be a stupid blue-eyed blonde with a hero complex. 

She stared at the ceiling to avoid the constant reminder on the screen - not that it was much better. Her mind was good enough at making up its own images without any outside help.

“Why do you still have that?” Entrapta asked out of the blue.

“Huh?”

“That necklace.” She pointed to her hand. “It clearly brings you pain, yet I’ve never seen you without it.”

Catra hadn’t even noticed she was holding the damn thing again. It was strangely comforting to hold the only thing you had left of the person who hurt you. 

“Entrapta.” Scorpia warned.

“I made a promise.” Catra said. With that, she left the room. They didn’t need to see what would happen next.

Sometimes there’s nothing you can do but sit on your bedroom floor, in the dark, and cry your eyes out.

It was stupid, really. The memory of Adora was always charged with emotion. Anger. Sadness. Warmth. The anger Catra could deal with; she took it all out at the gym. The sadness was always there, easy to ignore. It was the warmth she had a problem with. How could her warm and sweet Adora from those memories become… that? How could the Adora that had made Catra feel so safe be the one that left her? 

Catra held on to the necklace secretly hoping that one day Adora would return to her. Not the Adora from the last three years. The one from the memories. She hoped the same sweet Adora who had taught her to swim would come back and make all the pain go away, make her forget the past and be happy again. 

But that Adora didn’t exist anymore. Not after what she did. All Catra could do was cry, mourn her Adora, and try to forget. 

Catra could see Scorpia’s and Entrapta’s shadows peeking under the door. She could hear them whispering, loud as always. They didn’t come in. They never came in. Catra knew they always worried and wished they didn’t. There was nothing they could do. 

At some point during the night Catra made a decision. She didn’t know why and was absolutely sure she would regret it later.

She had to see her again.


	4. Chapter 4

It’s not every day you prepare yourself to run into the woods. 

Catra had every intention of looking for Adora that day, but she knew she would probably end up running again. It wouldn’t hurt to prepare. At least then she wouldn’t be so cold. 

After a good half hour of staring at the door and dodging Entrapta’s questions, Catra finally gathered enough courage to open it. To go to the place where she’d seen Adora. She didn’t know why she was even going. Maybe she hoped it was just her mind playing tricks and Adora wouldn’t actually be there. Either way, she had to know. 

When she reached the spot by the lake, Catra looked around. She was alone except for a family of ducks in the water. She hoped it would continue that way. She sat on a bench where she could see everything and waited. 

People watching can be really boring when you’re alone, waiting for something terrible to happen. 

Catra sat there for hours, watching people come and go, looking for the blonde that haunted her dreams. Her heart jumped every time she saw a head of golden hair pass by, but it was never her. Catra’s butt was starting to go numb, but she wasn’t done yet. She had to wait at least until the sun went down. Then she would go home and accept that she would never see Adora again.

While she sat there, with nothing but her mind to keep her occupied, Catra tried to imagine what would happen if Adora did show up. Did she even have anything to say? Of course she had things to say, she had too many things to say. But what  _ would  _ she say? 

Her first idea was to talk with her fists. Plant a nice punch right in the middle of Adora’s face, like she’d rehearsed so many times before. Maybe Adora would even fall in the water, giving Catra a chance to decide what else to do. That would be nice, but it was probably too much. She should at least wait for provocation before doing that. 

Saying something would be worse. There was nothing to say. Nothing that would make a difference, anyway. Catra just hoped she wouldn’t cry. Crying on her own was fine, but crying in front of Adora was not a possibility. She would jump in the lake before she let Adora see her cry. 

It was no use thinking. Better to just let it happen.

Time drags on when you’re bored off your ass. 

Catra had resorted to watching the people around. She had convinced herself that Adora wasn’t coming, so now she was more relaxed. She could just look around and try to imagine what was going on in other people’s heads.

Some people stood out more than others, but an obnoxiously dressed couple took the cake. A tall boy with a heart-stamped cropped top and a short pink-haired girl dressed in a sparkly outfit were not the kind of people you see every day. Catra watched as they fought over what looked like the past piece of pie. They looked happy, carefree. How long had it been since she felt that way?

“Catra?” A voice called from behind.

_ No. _

Catra froze and bit her lip. It couldn’t be. 

_ No. _

Maybe if she didn’t look it wouldn’t be real.

“Catra, is that you?” The voice called again and she stood. Slowly she turned around to look. She had to make sure.

The second she saw those blue eyes, not even three feet away, she started to run. 


	5. Chapter 5

Even when you know something is gonna happen, you can’t fully predict your reaction when it does.

Catra ran as fast as she could until she reached the woods. She could barely hear Adora calling her name over the sound of her heartbeat. She could hear her footsteps following close behind. Catra wasn’t an athlete. If Adora wanted to catch up, she would. Catra had to hide. 

She stopped at the edge of the woods, breathing heavy. She looked at Adora for a quick second, golden hair flying around and a look that could put the fear of God in anyone who crossed her way. No way Catra was waiting around to find out why Adora followed her. So she took a deep breath and started to run again. 

When she couldn’t run anymore, Catra picked a tree and started to climb it. She didn’t know if she could do it, but she would sure as fuck try. Anything to get away from Adora.

As it turned out, Catra was actually decent at climbing and made her way up without much trouble. Just as she reached the top, Adora caught up and stopped running. 

“Catra, I know you’re here.” Adora called out, looking for any sign of Catra. Finding none, she spoke again, but her voice wasn’t as powerful anymore. “Please, I just want to talk.”

Hearing that voice was like a dagger to the heart. It was even worse when it said her name. It had been so long. So much pain, so many sleepless nights, just to end up there. Trapped on top of a tree, hearing Adora call out her name. 

Catra wanted Adora to just give up. Leave again. Turn around and never look back so she could be miserable in peace. She’d done it before, she could do it one more time. 

“If you’re here, please talk to me.” Adora’s voice was barely a cry now.

Catra didn’t want to look. She didn’t want to see Adora again, but she looked anyway. 

Adora was sitting with her back against a tree, not too far away. She looked just as beautiful as Catra remembered, maybe even more. The urge to hug her was more than Catra could take. Her body ached to touch Adora just one more time, to feel the warmth of her skin under her hands. She once felt so safe in those arms. 

But that wasn’t the same Adora. This Adora was the one Catra wanted to punch out of existence. The one she was desperate to get away from. She needed a way out.

Adora was watching some birds sing above her, not really paying attention to what happened on the ground. Perfect. Catra could climb down and sneak away.

Plans don’t usually work out the way you want them to. Especially stupid plans.

Catra fell on her ass trying to climb down the lowest branch, crushing a pile of dry leaves and twigs. The noise was enough to get Adora’s attention, but before she could even get up, Catra was running again.

This was all a big mistake. Catra knew she couldn’t outrun Adora. She was really fast, but only for a short time. Sure enough, just short of the edge of the woods, Catra’s face hit the ground.

The crushing weight of Adora on top of her was worse than the sharp rock digging into her stomach. Catra tried to elbow her and crawl away, but Adora pinned her wrists to the ground and held on tight.

“Catra.” There it was again. “I can’t believe it’s really you.” That stupid voice. 

“Fuck  _ off! _ ” She yelled and tried to free herself again.

Adora strengthened her grip until Catra stopped resisting. She missed those hands, that smell, that voice. Adora’s face was always in her dreams, but the best dreams can give you is images, a sound if you’re lucky. They can’t give you back the feeling of someone. 

“Please. Just listen to me.” Adora sounded so small. 

“Do I look like I have a choice?” She bit back. 

“Can you look at me? If i let go of you, are you going to run again?”

Catra wanted to say yes, but the pressure of Adora’s hands was gone from her wrists before she could say anything. She felt Adora shift her weight and tug at her side to get her to roll over. She wanted to yell, to headbutt Adora and make a run for it, but Adora’s weight came down on her waist and those beautiful blue eyes stopped her from doing anything. She never could say no to those eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra and Adora finally talk. It doesn't go great.

Catra used to have dreams like this. Dreams, not memories. They were less frequent now. She’d dream of Adora straddling her and pinning her down, looking deep into her eyes. Though, in those dreams there was joy in her eyes, not sorrow. In those dreams Catra’s hands were on her waist, holding her close, drawing her in. But this wasn’t a dream.

“What do you want, Adora?”  _ Adora.  _ She hadn’t said that name in so long. It was once her favorite word, but now it had a bitter taste to it.

“I just-” she sat back on Catra’s hip and looked away “-I’m sorry.”

Seriously? Catra got chased through the woods and knocked to the ground for ‘I’m sorry’? Those words had no meaning to her anymore. She’d heard it so many times - believed them too many times - and yet nothing had ever changed. She was still broken. She was still left alone all that time. All those years trapped with memories that dug deep into her wounds. 

“Sorry doesn’t cover it.” Catra closed her eyes. It was too much. It was all too much. She couldn’t look at Adora anymore or she would believe anything, do anything. 

“I know it doesn’t. I know we hurt each other in ways that we can never take back, but I really am sorry and I wish we never got on that stupid boat.”

The last drop of Catra’s self-control went down the drain with that one sentence. She was angry and tired of hiding it. Not even those sparkling eyes could hold her back now.

“ _ You  _ hurt  _ me. _ ” Catra snapped her eyes open and sat up, coming face to face with Adora. “Whatever I did after that didn’t even come  _ close _ to how you left me. Now get off.” She pushed Adora with all the strength she had left and scrambled to get up.

“You set my car on fire and made me watch it burn. You can’t say you did nothing.” Adora sounded as if she was about to cry; her once powerful voice was now weak and clouded.

Catra grabbed the collar of Adora’s shirt and brought her face closer. Maybe if she looked straight into her soul, Adora would finally see all the pain she had caused.  _ Feel _ all the pain. Maybe then she would understand. 

“You left me for dead. I was alone in a burning boat because of you.” Catra let go of Adora and pushed her back down. She didn’t care if it hurt.

It took all her strength not to cry in front of Adora. The stabbing pain behind her eyes made her a bit dizzy, but Catra stood her ground. Adora had already hurt her enough, she wouldn’t get the pleasure of seeing her cry again. 

“I thought you got out.” Adora stood up and slowly approached Catra. “I heard something fall into the water and thought it was you jumping, so I followed.” She took Catra’s hand between hers. Those stupid, warm hands. Adora knew what she was doing. She knew all she ever had to do was get close to Catra and she would get her way. 

Not anymore.

“I was in the same spot you left me in. When I woke up everything was burning and you weren’t there.” Catra snapped Adora’s hands away and took a step back towards the lake. “You said you were coming back.” 

“I wanted to, but I thought you jumped. I had to help the others.” Adora had either lost the battle against her own tears or was putting up one hell of an act. 

“Always the hero, aren’t you, Adora? Looking out for everyone but me.” 

“Catra, I-”

“Goodbye, Adora.”

Catra slowly walked to the edge of the woods, then started to run again. 

This time, Adora didn’t follow.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Super Pal Trio cuteness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently people were shocked w the last chapter and I LOVE IT  
> Keep those comments coming, I love reading them!

Seeing Adora again, really seeing her, reopened all the old wounds that had taken so long to start healing. 

Catra ran from Adora as fast as she could. She ran without even thinking, not caring where she was going. She ran until her feet hurt and her chest burned. Until she could taste her own blood in her mouth. When she finally stopped to look around, Catra realized she was far away from home, too tired to run back. At least she wasn’t lost; she could still see the lake. She wanted to scream, but her throat still burned from all the running; to kick something, but her legs were sore. 

With all other options exhausted, Catra let herself fall to the ground and lay down on the grass. She called Scorpia and asked for a ride home. All she could do was wait. 

Trapped with nothing but her thoughts, Catra finally let out the tears she’d been holding. 

The car ride home was quiet. Catra could feel Scorpia was dying to say something, but she couldn’t really talk right now. She didn’t know what to say. Catra hadn’t told Scorpia and Entrapta she was going out to look for Adora. They wouldn’t understand. Or maybe they would, and she was just too scared to say anything. 

“Catra! You’re home!” Entrapta yelled when Catra walked in. “Come here, I want to show you something!”

Maybe listening to Entrapta ramble about whatever she was working on would be a good way to stop thinking about Adora. It’s not like anything else did the trick. It was worth a shot.

“Hey, how about you and Scorpia make some hot chocolate while I shower and then you can tell me all about that.” God knew she desperately needed a shower. “We can even drink it out of tiny mugs.”

“On it!” She screamed and ran to the kitchen.

“Scorpia?” Catra called. She knew Scorpia was really trying to make her comfortable, without the usual hugs and chatter. It was hard for her and she was really trying. “Thanks for not asking.”

“Just get better, Wildcat.” Scorpia flashed a warm smile before disappearing into the kitchen to help Entrapta.

Catra had learned a lot after she lost Adora. She snapped at everyone, destroyed her entire life and ruined so many others, almost destroying herself in the process. She moved far away, to a place no one knew her, where she would be truly alone. Where she could hide from the pain. But the pain followed, and so did her nasty habits.

It was Scorpia that put her back together, despite her constant refusal to cooperate. Scorpia and Entrapta made her feel loved again. It wasn’t the same thing she used to have with Adora, but it was good. It kept her alive. She learned the hard way that, to keep them, she had to be good too.

It was only when she looked in the mirror that Catra realized how terrible she looked. There were leaves and small twigs stuck in her hair, dirt all over her face and clothes. Her eyes were still red from crying and there was a small cut on her cheek where her face hit the ground. No wonder Scorpia didn’t ask. 

She took a long warm shower, carefully washing away every inch that had been touched by Adora, trying to remove the feeling of her hands. When she was satisfied, Catra nested herself on the couch and indulged Entrapta, asking her questions just to keep her talking, hoping she would cover up the sound of Adora’s voice in her head. She even let Scorpia play with her hair, letting her hands soothe away the memories of the day.

For the first time in many nights, she didn’t dream of Adora.


	8. Chapter 8

A week had passed since Catra last saw Adora. A week of punching the bag at the gym until her knuckles bled, of running until she passed out, of being force-fed by Scorpia and falling asleep on the couch to the sound of Entrapta talking to herself while she worked. At least the dreams had stopped.

Catra put on her running shoes and headed out the door. She didn’t know where she was going, she never did. She’d stopped taking the path that led to where she saw Adora, afraid of running into her again. 

Sticking to the path around the lake, Catra ran until she saw a blonde ponytail out of the corner of her eye. It wasn't Adora, that shade of gold was too dark. It wasn't her, but Catra's heart still skipped a beat. 

That's what happens when you don't sleep enough for fear of dreaming about someone. You start seeing them everywhere. 

There had been no dreams in a week, maybe she could get one good night's sleep.

_ "Catra! Thank god you're okay." Adora's eyes sat deep in her face, like she'd spent weeks crying herself to sleep. They weren't the same eyes Catra saw the last time.  _

_ "No thanks to you. You just left me there." She wanted those words to hurt Adora as much as they did her, but a lump in her throat gave everything away. "Who leaves their best friend alone to die?" _

_ "I didn't mean to, you have to believe that!" Adora’s voice cracked. This definitely wasn’t the same Adora. _

_ “You know I can’t swim. You know I hate boats. And you still left me there.” Catra spoke those words like poison. Her weeks alone in recovery from the incident had given her time to think. Seeing Adora now only reminded her of all that time alone, when they could have been together if Adora had just gone back. If Adora had given Catra a second of thought. _

_ She wanted to scream in Adora’ face, as loud as her lungs would let her.  _

Catra woke up with two sets of hands holding her down.

Scorpia and Entrapta were sitting on either side of her bed, worried looks on their faces.

“What happened? You were screaming.” 

“Who’s Adora?”

The mention of Adora sent a shiver up her spine. No one in her new life knew about her and there was a reason for it.

“Where did you hear that name?” Catra sat up, alarmed.

“You were saying it over and over again in between yells.” Entrapta’s eyes were wide with curiosity.

“Adora is the name of that girl, right?” Scorpia’s usual upbeat attitude was gone, replaced with a mix of frustration and worry. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I have to insist. I’m sorry, but it hasn’t been this bad in a very long time.”

Catra let out a loud sigh and lay back down. There was no getting out of this. Scorpia was right; this was the worst it’d been since she moved away. They deserved to know why their roommate was waking them up in the middle of the night with screams about a girl they knew nothing about.

Scorpia and Entrapta sat silently while Catra told the story of her and Adora. She expected at least a few questions, especially from Entrapta, but they asked none. It was a hard story to tell, impossible for her to get through without crying at least a few times. 

When she was done, Entrapta left the room and returned with a tray of tiny mugs filled with hot chocolate. Scorpia gave her a big bear hug and said something crushing Adora’s head between her hands if they ever met.

It was that easy. She told them all about the pain and the hate and they were still there. They saw all the ugly and they didn’t leave. 


	9. Chapter 9

Sometimes, when you’re not paying attention, you do the exact thing you were trying to avoid.

Catra left the gym with bloody knuckles once again. She knew she should start wearing gloves, but at this point she didn’t really care. Her hands burned and her head hurt so much she could barely think.

That was a mistake.

“She’s not coming, Adora. Let’s go.”  _ Adora.  _ Catra heard someone say. 

She looked around. Catra was so tired she forgot to take the detour. She was in the exact spot she had been avoiding, the spot where she’d seen Adora.

Her heart rate spiked, and she turned to where she’d heard the voice. There she was. Golden hair shining in the sunlight, a disappointed look on her face. Adora was looking around and talking to a girl dressed in glitter from head to toe. 

Catra thought about running again, but her feet stayed planted on the ground, despite her desperate attempts to make them run. 

Adora’s eyes met hers and she still couldn’t move. Not even when Adora started to walk in her direction. Not even when they were standing right in front of each other, close enough that she could smell the perfume Adora was wearing. She even smelled different.

“Hey, Adora.” Catra didn’t know why she said that. What she meant to say was ‘Fuck off’, but her mouth betrayed her.

“You’re not running.” Adora seemed shocked by her own statement.

“Do you want me to run? Because I can.” Catra didn’t know why she wasn’t running. She didn’t think she would see Adora again. She ran the other times. Why not now? “What are you doing here, Adora?” She was afraid of the answer, but she had to know.

“Looking for you.”

Catra’s body tensed up. She looked for something in Adora’s eyes, a hint of what was going on inside her head, but Catra couldn’t read her anymore. Too much time had passed and that wasn’t the same Adora.

“Why?”

Adora looked away. She used to do that when she didn’t want to say what was on her mind. 

“Out with it.” Catra insisted.

“I miss you, okay?” Adora’s voice went up an octave, and she looked at Catra with wide eyes. Those stupid, sparkling eyes.

Adora’s words hit Catra like a truck. How dare she say that after everything? Catra wanted to be mad, but those blue eyes were so close. Too close.

“And whose fault is that?” Great. Snark. That’ll show her. Idiot.

“I’m not the one who moved away without telling anyone.” There was poison in her words, and they hit Catra like daggers to the heart.

If that’s what Adora was here for, Catra didn’t want to hear it. The past hurt enough already; no need to make the present hurt too.

“Good for you. Goodbye, Adora.” She turned around and took a few steps, but Adora grabbed her hand.  _ So warm. _

“No, Catra, wait. Please.” That stupid thumb rubbing the back of her hand knew what it was doing. There was no way she could say no when Adora was looking at her with those sparkling eyes and that hopeful smile. Not when Catra could feel the warmth of Adora’s hand on her own. 

“Fine.” She gave in with a sigh. “I’ll give you twenty minutes.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time, Catra doesn't run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now we're getting somewhere

Constantly making decisions you know you’ll regret has got to be a gift. Though, it’s probably just a curse from the universe.

Catra didn’t know if she was ready to talk to Adora yet, but three years had passed. If she wasn’t ready now, she would never be. 

“You’re still wearing it.” Adora’s gaze was on Catra’s neck, and she reached for her own matching necklace.

Catra had hopes that Adora would say something, _anything,_ that she didn’t know. Something she could hold on to. “Nineteen.” 

“Right.” Adora straightened herself before continuing. “I’m sorry, Catra. I really am. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“You said that already.” Catra’s head was starting to hurt again. She should have just kept walking and spared herself of whatever all this was.

“I know I did, but it’s still true. I’ve been looking for you for months. And I know you’re probably better off now, but I’m not. You were my best friend and then you hated me. You hated me but at least you were there.”

Catra dug her nails into her palms to stop herself from yelling. She had promised twenty minutes, might as well let Adora talk. “Your point?”

“I want you in my life again. Please, Catra, I-”

“Did the conversation my fist had with your face last year tell you nothing?” Catra interrupted. She hoped Adora couldn’t hear how fast her heart was beating. 

“It told me that you have a lot of feelings towards me. It also told me that they're not all bad.” Oh, shit. 

“I punched you in the face.” 

“Yeah, but I’ve seen you fight a lot of people and it's never just one punch.” Adora seemed really convinced, but Catra didn’t have enough energy to dispute it. “Anyway, I know a lot of fucked up shit went down between us and I’m not asking you to forget any of it. All I’m asking is that you allow me to be in your life again. Whatever that means.”

“Great. Can I punch you again?” She flashed a smirk. It was always fun to mess with Adora.

“I was hoping it wouldn’t come to that, but if that’s what it takes…” Adora closed her eyes and flinched, as if she actually expected to get punched.

“Geez, Adora.” Catra took in a deep breath. “I’m not saying yes, but what did you have in mind?” Again with the regrettable decisions. 

Adora opened her eyes even wider than they had been before, practically jumping up and down with excitement. “I saw a churros cart nearby. Would you like to go get some?” 

Damn. Catra had no intention of staying any longer, but she couldn’t say no to churros. 

“You’re buying.” She took a step forward and looked deep into Adora’s eyes. “This is _not_ because I like you. I just want a churro.”

Catra wasn’t sure why she said yes. She wasn’t sure of a lot of things lately, especially when it came to Adora. She thought seeing her again would be painful, that Adora would be a different person, but she was wrong. Sure, it hurt when she thought about the past, but sitting on a park bench eating churros felt like old times. 

“You’re such an idiot, How do you always make a mess?” Catra commented when the dulce de leche filling started dripping down Adora’s arms. 

“It’s not my fault the gooey stuff keeps falling off!” Adora said while trying to clean herself.

“Stop squeezing it so hard.” Catra couldn’t help but laugh at the sight in front of her. The same Adora who could fight anyone without breaking a sweat was struggling to keep a snack from falling apart.

“I missed your laugh,” Adora said, quietly.

There it was again. The weight of the past hanging over their heads. Adora wouldn’t have to miss anything if she’d just gone back for Catra.

“I can’t do this right now.” Catra stood up without looking at Adora.

“It’s okay, this was already more than I expected.” She sounded disappointed. “I’m gonna be in the same spot tomorrow, if you want to meet again. The day after that, too. And the one after that-”

“Goodbye, Adora.” 

Catra walked away without looking back.


	11. Chapter 11

Catra tried not to think on her way home, but of course that proved impossible. Part of her wanted to run back, hug Adora as hard as she could and never let go, just pretend nothing ever happened. 

The other part wanted to run. Fast. 

This whole time Catra had been thinking of Adora as a different person, that somehow she had changed and left her alone to die. Talking to her changed everything. Catra realized she was the same Adora, and that made it so much worse.

If she still was the same Adora, that meant it was  _ her _ Adora who left her. She hadn’t changed. She just hadn’t cared. 

_ “Can I see it?” Adora asked.  _

_ “No.” Catra flinched away from Adora’s touch. Normally she would want Adora’s warm hands on her skin, but she didn’t trust her anymore. _

_ “Okay.” Adora fiddled with the hem of her shirt, clearly uncomfortable with the situation. “Does it hurt?” _

_ “Not anymore.” The wounds didn’t hurt, but everything else did. “Why didn’t you come back?” _

_ “I was going to.” Adora’s voice was barely audible. “Everything was on fire. People were screaming. I had to help them.” _

_ “And you didn’t think to come help  _ me _?” Of course Adora had to be the hero and leave Catra to fend for herself. Tears were building in Catra’s eyes, and she was trying hard to keep them from falling.  _

_ “I didn’t think I had to. I thought you jumped with the others.” _

_ “Of course you didn’t think.” Catra chuckled in disbelief. “I can’t fucking swim, Adora. I almost died.” _

_ “What did you want me to do, Catra? Climb back into a burning boat?” Adora lost her temper. _

_ “You could have at least checked before you jumped.” Catra got up and walked away from Adora. She couldn’t hold the tears anymore. _

Lying on your bed when you can’t sleep gets really annoying after a while.

Catra was tired of dreaming about Adora. She had gotten used to it, but now that Adora was there, everything was different. Maybe the dreams were warnings, reminding her of all the bad things that happened so she wouldn’t let them happen again. So she wouldn’t let Adora in again.

“Can’t sleep again?” Entrapta asked when Catra left her room.

“Bad dreams. Are you still working on that thing?” She pointed to the small robot Entrapta had been working on for months.

“Yes! She can walk on her own now! Also, I named her Emily.”

“Robot has a name. Creepy. Keep her out of my room, okay?” Catra grabbed a blanket and lay on the couch. “You can keep talking to your recorder thing. It helps me sleep.”

The sound of Entrapta’s voice helped keep Adora’s face away, but Catra couldn’t stop thinking.

Why did Adora come find her after everything? They weren’t friends anymore. They hadn’t been friends for a while when Catra left. When she left, things between them had spiraled so out of control Catra punched Adora on sight. 

Catra had every reason to stay away. Every reason to never want to see Adora again, but something inside pushing her to think. Think about Adora. About the past. About what her life could be, if only Adora was by her side again.

Every cell in her body was telling her it was a terrible idea, but Catra made a decision.

The next day, she would look for Adora again. 


	12. Chapter 12

Catra was sure of her plan to go meet Adora. She put on running shoes and warm clothes, just in case she ended up in the woods again. It wasn’t part of her plan, but you never know. 

There she was, standing in the living room, staring at the door. She was ready to go anytime now. As soon as she could move. Just open the door. 

“Why are you staring at the door?” Entrapta suddenly appeared by her side. Had she been there the entire time?

“I’m not staring at it. I’m just-” she took a deep breath “-getting ready to leave.”

“Do you need me to open it for you? I can have Emily do it.” Entrapta stood on her toes, clearly excited to have Emily do anything.

“She can do that?” Since when can robots open doors?

“Probably! I don’t know yet.”

“Maybe some other time.” Robot weirdness was just the thing to push her out the door. 

Catra took her time on the way to the lake. She still didn’t know why she was going, or what she would say to Adora when she got there. For now, it was one foot in front of the other. 

There was a voice in the back of her head, reminding her of all those weeks spent crying because of Adora. All the times she almost destroyed herself, pushed everyone away and moped around in her own suffering. The voice warned her not to go, to just turn back and pretend it was all a dream. 

She knew the voice was right. Adora had caused her a lot of suffering. She wanted to listen to it and spare herself of all the feelings seeing Adora could trigger. She almost turned back. She  _ wanted _ to turn back. But if earlier her feet wouldn’t start walking, now they wouldn’t stop. It didn’t matter what she did or didn’t want; her body seemed to have a mind of its own, and nothing she did could stop her from walking now.

As soon as Catra saw Adora, her mind went blank. It felt like all the air had been knocked out of her lungs.

Adora was sitting on the grass, talking to the sparkly girl and the cropped top boy from last time. Her golden hair glistened in the sunlight and they were laughing like someone had just said the funniest thing in the world. They looked happy.

Something tinged deep in Catra’s heart. Of course Adora had new friends. She knew this would happen, but seeing it still hurt a little. 

Catra took a few more steps towards them, still unnoticed by Adora. She could do this. She was prepared. No running this time. 

Slowly, Adora looked over. When their eyes met, Adora’s smile grew wider and Catra stopped walking. 

_ No running. _

They just stood there, staring at each other, still too far away to talk. Adora must have been waiting for Catra to make the first move, because she didn’t come any closer. Catra tried to walk towards her, but all she did was take a step back. 

She saw Adora’s smile fade, little by little, when she stepped back. Even after everything, knowing she was the reason Adora’s smile was gone broke her heart. Even when Adora was the reason Catra’s smile had been gone for weeks. It was too much. All of it.

Catra turned back and walked away. She didn’t run. This was progress. She took the detour and went to the gym. She needed to punch the bag and picture Adora’s face on it. Maybe cry a little in the locker room. Tomorrow she would try again. 

No more running. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had a great idea. U guys are gonna love it. Or hate it. Either way, it's gonna be great!


	13. Chapter 13

Staring at the door. That was Catra’s new thing, apparently.

Once again, Catra stood in the middle of the living room, gathering the courage to walk outside. She didn’t prepare herself to run, like she had the other times. If she ran, she would have to suffer the consequences. Catra was alone today, so she had to be the one to push herself out the door. It took ten minutes, but she did it. Now she just had to walk.

This time, Catra walked fast. Taking her time the day before had led to thinking too much and chickening out at the last second. Not this time. 

When she saw Adora, she didn’t stop. Catra looked down so those eyes couldn’t do anything to her until it was too late and started walking even faster. 

“Hey, Adora.” The words rolled out of her mouth before she could stop them, and she finally looked up.

“Hi.” Adora’s hair was tied up in her usual ponytail, smile brighter than the sun. “Guys, this is Catra. Catra, these are Glimmer and Bow.”

Catra hadn’t noticed them standing there, obnoxiously dressed and with names to match.

“Wait, glitter girl’s name is actually Glitter?” She asked Adora, unsure if it was all just one big prank.

“It’s  _ Glimmer, _ ” the short girl said, annoyed.

“Same thing. Anyway, I’m not ready for all that,” she waved her hand in their direction “so…”

Catra wasn’t ready to meet Adora’s new friends. She could barely handle Adora herself.

“Right.” She turned to her friends. “I’ll meet you later, okay?” 

Glimmer protested, refusing to leave, but Bow easily dragged her away.

“I’m so glad you came. I was afraid you wouldn’t after yesterday.” Adora sounded relieved. 

“Yeah, I freaked out. Doesn’t mean it won’t happen again.” Catra hoped it wouldn’t, but you never know.

“That’s okay.” 

“How about we take a walk?” She needed something to do. Just standing there was making her nervous.

Adora looked beautiful under the sunlight. Well, she always did, but walking around the lake, with the sun shining bright above, Catra couldn’t help but notice. Maybe she should have worn long sleeves, because every time her arm touched Adora’s, it sent a shiver up her spine. 

“Why did you come here? To the city, I mean.” She broke the silence. 

“I told you, I came looking for you.”

“Oh.” Catra didn’t know what she expected, but it definitely wasn’t that. “How did you know I was here?”

“Glimmer’s aunt lives here. She saw a picture of us when she came to visit and said she’d seen you around here. It was a long shot, but I had to try.” Adora stopped and leaned against a tree, facing Catra. “I know it sounds crazy, but I couldn’t just go the rest of my life without seeing you.”

Catra didn’t know why she did what she did. 

Maybe she was confused because of what Adora had just said, or the sun was too hot and it messed with her head. Maybe it was the way Adora’s eyes seemed to stare right into her soul, begging her to come closer. Or maybe she had finally lost it and her body gained a mind of its own.

Next thing she knew, Catra’s body was pressed against Adora’s, hands on her hips, so close she could feel her breath. She ran a thumb down Adora’s lip and kissed her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is gonna be just asdfghjklç


	14. Chapter 14

Catra had dreamed about kissing Adora many times. 

The first time happened the day they found out what kissing was. They were just kids and someone told them a kiss was something grown-ups shared with someone special. A peck on the lips that saved the day in all the movies and storybooks. Adora was always Catra’s special someone, and she dreamed of being the knight in shining armor that gave Adora true love’s kiss.

They grew up, and the dreams didn’t stop. Teenage Catra saw all her friends get into relationships and kiss each other at parties. She and Adora were the exception. They stuck to themselves, best friends who did (almost) everything together. They had sleepovers in Adora’s bed, and Catra dreamed of something more. 

Even when they hated each other, the dreams continued. Sometimes she dreamed that a kiss would solve everything, erase all the pain and make the world perfect again. Other times, they were star-crossed lovers whose affection could only be seen through hate. It made no sense, but it was all she had. 

The dreams only stopped after Catra left. She stopped dreaming about kissing Adora and started reliving all her memories.

In all the times Catra dreamed about kissing Adora, she never thought it would be like this. All those dreams never prepared her for how soft Adora’s lips were, or how amazing they tasted. She definitely wasn’t prepared for how good Adora’s hands would feel around her waist, or how perfectly their bodies fit together. 

All of it should feel like a dream, but it didn’t. It was so much better. In the dreams, Catra could barely feel anything. She could barely feel the skin her hands touched, the movement of Adora’s lips. 

This Adora, the real one, was solid. She had a weight and a will, and her hands wandered down Catra’s back like the dream versions never dared. This Adora didn’t fade away when Catra broke the kiss and opened her eyes. 

Those lovely blue eyes were so close they were all Catra could see. The same blue eyes she had loved all her life. The ones that haunted all her dreams. They had never been this close. So close Catra felt like she could get lost in them. 

Too close.

Catra’s breathing picked up. She hadn’t planned on getting this close to Adora. This was exactly the kind of thing that would get her hurt. She couldn’t let this happen.

Catra brought a hand up to Adora’s neck and, for a brief second, an image washed into her head. She pictured herself closing that hand around Adora. Squeezing her neck as hard as she could. Maybe that would put an end to all the pain. _ Her _ pain, anyway. 

It was only a second, but it was already too much. 

She had never had a thought like that. Not even when she hated Adora the most. Not even when she was so angry she destroyed her entire life. She’d thought about making her hurt, punching her again, but not that. Never that. 

Catra slowly removed her hand from Adora’s neck and closed her eyes again. She couldn’t bear looking at her anymore. She leaned forward and rested her forehead against Adora’s. One last touch before she stepped away. 

“This changes nothing,” Catra whispered, more to convince herself than Adora.

And with that, she walked away. She promised herself she wouldn’t run anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this took a turn... That's not exactly where I was going with this, but then I had an epiphany and I just had to


	15. Chapter 15

Sometimes the world sucks so much that the floor is just as comfortable a place as any.

Catra had walked into the apartment and didn’t bother to go all the way to her bedroom. She just collapsed face-down on the floor, contemplating her miserable existence.

“Do you think she’s dead?” She could barely make out Entrapta’s voice over the weird sounds her head was making.

“I don’t know. She hasn’t moved in hours.” Had it really been that long? 

“I’m gonna poke her.”

All Catra could do was groan when she felt a finger poking between her ribs. 

“She’s alive!” Entrapta’s squeaky scream pierced through Catra’s ears, shattering the other sounds. 

“Let’s get you up, Wildcat. The floor is no place to sleep,” Scorpia said.

Catra could feel her body being picked up and placed on Scorpia’s shoulder, then on her bed. She could see Scorpia and Entrapta hovering over her. It looked like they were saying something, but the noise was back and she couldn’t hear them anymore. 

How long had it been since she moved anything for the last time? Catra couldn’t remember. She tried to move something, anything, but she forgot how to do it. Her room was dark. At least she thought she was seeing darkness. Maybe her eyes were just closed. She couldn’t tell anymore. 

Catra’s body felt like it had shrunk. Her arms and legs weren’t long enough for her actual size anymore. She hated it when this happened. If only she could stretch, then it wouldn’t be so bad. But she still couldn’t move. 

She should try to sleep when she remembered how to do it.

A cold feeling suddenly washed over her body, then warmth. Weird. Catra’s eyes finally opened. How did she get in the bathtub? She saw something purple move out of the corner of her eye. Entrapta.

“Scorpia! She’s up,” she yelled into the hallway.

Scorpia appeared holding several different things Catra didn’t care enough about to check. 

“Finally, I was starting to get worried.” She sat beside Entrapta and offered Catra a glass of water. Damn, she was thirsty. 

“You know I hate it when you do this.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. She’d gone too long without talking.

“We know, but it’s been two days, and that’s the only thing that ever gets you out of that state.” 

“I wanted to try other methods, but she wouldn’t let me.” Entrapta complained. “Eat this.”

“That’s probably for the best.” Catra looked at the crackers Entrapta was giving her. Gross. She was nauseous enough already. “I’m not eating that.”

“Yes, you are. It’s that or getting sick when you try to eat real food.” Great. Scorpia’s mom voice was on. “If you can’t take care of yourself, we will do it for you.”

Their methods sucked, but they always got Catra back to feeling like a person again, instead of the mush of flesh and despair she eventually became. 

Now that she was back to functioning, she had to think. 

She was in love with Adora before everything happened, but she thought those feelings went away. She thought hating someone meant you didn’t love them anymore. Aren’t love and hate opposites?

Maybe they were, and Catra was just confused. It was hot, and Adora was saying things that didn’t make sense to try to change her. That had to be it.

“This changes nothing,” she’d told Adora. But it did. It changed so many things.


	16. Chapter 16

When you try not to think about someone, everything starts to remind you of them.

About a week had passed since Catra kissed Adora, and she’d spent every minute since trying not to think about it. 

She stared at the floor while walking so she wouldn't see any blondes, because every blonde made her heart jump thinking it was Adora. At the gym, she blasted music so loud in her headphones it was hard to picture anything. She slept as little as possible because you don’t dream when you pass out. 

Despite all that, Adora was all Catra could think about. 

Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Adora staring right at her. When she tried to sleep, she felt Adora’s hands on her skin. She zoned out and heard her voice. 

Catra couldn’t take it anymore. Seeing Adora everywhere made her angry. Angry at Adora for leaving her, at herself for almost giving her another chance. She’d actually started to believe there was a chance they could be happy together again. But there wasn’t. She should have known better and stayed away.

Scorpia and Entrapta were weirdly loud. Walking around in different shoes, most of them with heels, trying out clothes and gossiping. Normally, Catra would at least ask them what all the fuss was about, but she didn’t care enough about anything these days. At least they were happy.

“Catra! We’re going out!” Entrapta yelled, running down the hallway.

“Stay safe.” She would be alone with her thoughts all night. Maybe she could kick the couch a little.

“You’re coming too.” Scorpia appeared in her room and turned on the lights. Why did they have to be so bright?

“Do I look like I’m going anywhere?” She gestured to her worn out pajamas.

“You’re going. We’re not leaving you alone to mope. Now go change!”

“Ugh. Fine.” It’s not like it would make any difference. She was miserable at home and would be miserable anywhere else. “Is there any alcohol where we’re going or do I have to bring my own?” 

“You are  _ not _ drinking pure vodka.” Scorpia warned.

“I’ll get some ice, then.” If Catra had to be there, she would be the one picking her own drinks, and in that moment, the stronger the better.

“Let the girl drink what she wants!” Lonnie said from across the booth before leaving to get their drinks.

The bar wasn’t too bad. It was dark and loud, so kinda like her mind. It was better than an empty bed full of thoughts she didn’t want to have. At least she could distract herself.

Scorpia and Entrapta looked like they were having fun, Kyle and Rogelio had their own thing going on. Where was Lonnie with those drinks? She was usually the one that was as done with everything as Catra.

“Dude, there’s like a super drunk girl over there and she’s saying the most random shit I’ve ever heard,” Lonnie said when she got back. “Seriously, look, she’s even acting everything out,” she pointed.

“Where?” A drunk making a fool of herself was just the thing to get Catra’s mind away from Adora. She needed a good distraction. 

“You have got to be shitting me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've got some life stuff going on rn and also my computer broke, so I'm gonna slow down the updates a little, but I'll do my best to keep them coming!


	17. Chapter 17

Adora was always a terrible drunk. Talking loudly and embarrassing herself was only stage one of the drunk Adora shit-show. Sparkles and Cropped Top looked like they had it handled. Whatever. She wasn't Catra's problem anymore. 

Catra drank the contents of her glass in one go. If she had to be in the same bar as Adora, she would absolutely be too drunk to feel anything. She drank Lonnie’s drink too. And Scorpia’s. She reached for Entrapta’s, but that’s when people noticed what she was doing and slapped her hand away. Kyle surrendered his drink willingly after Catra shot him a deadly glare. 

She was starting to feel a buzz, but it wasn’t enough to keep her eyes from wandering towards Adora. Adora, whom she hated. Adora, whom she kissed and walked away from. Adora, who still hadn’t noticed her there. Maybe Catra could hide behind Rogelio and Adora wouldn’t notice her there. Yes, hiding. That would have been a great plan if she hadn’t finished her drink. 

“Lonnie, can you go get me another vodka?” No way she would risk being seen by Adora.

“Hell, no. You’re the one who owes me a drink.” Of course this wouldn’t be easy.

“I’ll pay for yours. I just can’t go get them.”

“Why? You usually love flirting with the bartender,” Lonnie insisted. She wouldn’t let this go. “Tell me or I’m not going.”

Fuck. Telling her was not an option. Catra got up and analyzed the situation. Adora had her back turned to her and the glitter duo was watching Adora like she was a baby about to fall. Catra would have to be quick, keep her head down on the way there. In and out. 

It would have been easy enough if Adora’s attention span ever lasted longer than a second. 

Catra ordered a double shot of vodka and drank it on the spot. Maybe she should just get a bottle and avoid having to do everything again later. 

“Catra!” _Oh no._ Adora’s voice was an octave higher than usual.

Shit. Catra could just run. Not turn around and pretend she didn’t know Adora at all. That was probably the smart thing to do.

“Hey, Adora.” Talking and turning around is not running. Why doesn’t her body ever do what she wants it to?

“Heey, Catra.” Adora wrapped her arms around Catra’s waist. “I missed you.” Great. Stage two of drunk Adora is clingy Adora. Of course that’s exactly when Catra showed up. 

“Uh, where are your friends?” She tried to detach Adora from herself, but all she did was make it worse.

“You’re my friend.” Adora shrugged.

“I mean the sparkly ones. Shouldn’t they be watching you so you don’t fight someone twice your size or something?”

“I dunno.”

“They were _just_ here.” Catra looked around. “Adora, they’re exactly where they were before, how did you not know? Come on.”

Catra managed to drag Adora to where her friends were seated, but freeing herself from her grasp proved to be a way harder task.

“Can you two stop staring and help me out here?” Catra said, annoyed.

“Sorry! But you two just look so cute together!” the boy said. What was his name again? Arrow?

“I am not cute.” She tried to push Adora away again. “And I’m so not in the mood for all this, now get her off me.”

“Wow, Adora never mentioned you were mean. Maybe she dodged a bullet when you left.” Glitter said. By the looks of her, the second part was supposed to be a thought, but it was too late now.

“You wanna fight, Twinkle?” Catra said, preparing her fists in front of her face.

“Heh, Catra’s feisty.” Adora giggled.

“Adora, let go of her. Glimmer, stop it.” Bow took care of the situation, and Catra was free from Adora’s hands again. 

Catra walked back to her group. She needed to go home. That whole thing with Adora got her angry. If she stayed, she would definitely find someone to fight. Maybe Glimmer would be up for a round.


	18. Chapter 18

Going to sleep when you’re only a little drunk sucks. Catra didn’t drink enough to pass out when she got home, she drank just enough that the world seemed to be shaking a little. A shaky world meant Catra couldn’t close her eyes, and instead was left staring at the ceiling thinking about Adora. Again.

Stupid Adora. At least she didn’t mention the kiss. Why didn’t she mention the kiss? Drunk Adora usually brings up everything weird that happens. Maybe it was for the best. Just pretend it didn’t happen. Catra could do that too. 

Who was she kidding? All she could think about was that stupid kiss. All she wanted to do was go after Adora and kiss her again, hold her close and never let go. Maybe Catra was a little drunker than she’d thought, but in that moment she really considered it. Dropping everything and running away with Adora, just the two of them. She didn’t even know if Adora even wanted that. She never gave her the chance to say anything after the kiss. 

Even if she did, how could Catra do that if she didn’t trust Adora? She couldn’t get hurt again, she still hadn’t healed from the first time or any of the others. It was best to just let it go. The thoughts had to stop eventually, no need to take them seriously.

_ “What do you think is gonna happen when we graduate?” Adora asked. It was dark, but Catra could still see her eyes, shining under the moonlight. She looked worried, she always did. _

_ “Doesn’t matter. Anything can happen and we’ll be okay because we’ll be together.” Catra was confident in her words. She didn’t care what happened as long as Adora was by her side. _

_ Adora smiled and interlocked their fingers. Catra loved it when she did that.  _

_ “You always say that and never answer my questions.” She was so close. _

_ “Because it’s true, dummy. I really don’t care what happens.” _

_ “If you don’t care, then I don’t care either.” Adora shifted her weight so she could face Catra. “But if something does happen…” _

_ “Here we go.” Catra pretended to be annoyed. She actually thought it was the cutest thing in the world, Adora all worried about the future. Like something could actually drive them apart. Adorable. _

_ “Just promise me that we’ll always find our way back to each other.” Catra couldn’t say no to that. She would do anything for Adora. No matter what. _

_ “I promise.”  _

_ The look of relief on Adora’s face was the most precious thing Catra had ever seen. She wanted to run her thumbs over those perfect cheekbones, see if they felt as nice as they looked. She could do that, Adora probably wouldn’t mind, but that would get her too close to a line she couldn’t come back from. It wouldn’t be a friendly touch. Not when they were both in Adora’s bed and Catra felt the way she did.  _

_ Maybe someday. After all, they’d be together forever. She had all the time in the world. _

Could it be all that bad to let Adora in again? She was so good to Catra for so long… was all that really gone? Young Catra couldn’t have known what the future would hold. She didn’t know how Adora would make her feel. The pain, the hate, it all hid all the love Catra once felt. 

Maybe she should try. Just once. Try and see what happens. If she got hurt, it would be just one more scar to add to the collection. One more reason to set her world on fire. But if she didn’t, it could change everything. 

She did promise she’d at least try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, if something doesn't make sense just lemme know and I'll do my best to explain it in later chapters  
> I think everything makes sense but I could be wrong  
> Anyways, hope you liked this chapter!


	19. Chapter 19

No staring at the door this time. And no running. Also, no kissing Adora. Catra started a list. She hated lists, but sometimes they were necessary. Catra power-walked her way to the lake, hoping Adora would be there again. If she wasn’t, all that thinking would have been for nothing. 

She was prepared to regret her decision. She had stocked up on chocolate and put out her favourite blanket for a good crying session. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad since she was expecting it.

Adora was in the same spot she had been before. The glitter duo was nowhere to be seen. Good. Catra wasn’t in the mood. 

“Have you just been sitting around here every day waiting for me to show up?” Catra said once she was standing behind Adora.

“Catra! I didn’t think you would come here anymore.” Adora’s face was lit up by the brightest smile Catra had ever seen. Hell, she missed that smile. 

“I didn’t either.” She took a seat beside Adora. “Guess I changed my mind.” Understatement of the century.

“Oh.” Adora’s smile died down a little, and she started to fidget. Why was  _ she  _ nervous?

Catra didn’t know what to say. She hadn’t thought of anything for fear of chickening out again. Why wasn’t Adora talking? Was she waiting for Catra? She should say something before things got weirder.

“Sorry I kissed you that day.” Fuck. Why? The point of talking was making things  _ less  _ weird; bringing up the kiss was the opposite of that. 

Adora’s cheeks burned as red as her jacket. Catra could feel her own face getting warm and hoped it wasn’t noticeable. She was already embarrassed enough.

“It’s fine. Really.” Adora nodded so energetically something told Catra it wasn’t fine. Of course it wasn’t fine. “Why did you come today?” 

Great. From one terrible topic to another. 

Catra took a deep breath before answering. “Because I promised I would always try. No matter what happened.”

“You remember that?” The smile was back on Adora’s face. Catra wasn’t looking, but it was so bright it affected her voice.

“I may have fucked things up a little too much before I did, but I remember now.” Just thinking about it made her blood boil.

“I’m really glad you want to try.” Adora’s hand reached for Catra’s. It was enough to calm her heart. Why couldn’t everything be that easy all the time? “Do you want to talk about  _ it _ ?” Her voice was soft, little above a whisper.

“I can’t. Not yet.” Too soon. “Let’s just see if we can be in each other’s lives again without royally fucking something up before we get into all that.” She was  _ not  _ ready to cry in front of Adora anytime soon, and that conversation would involve way too many tears. 

“Okay. Whatever you need.” 

There it was again. The weird silence. It didn’t use to be like that. Silence used to be comfortable, moments when they were just enjoying each other’s presence. Not anymore. 

“Do you want to go do something?” Adora asked.

“Uh, no,” Catra said, carefully. “I just came here to tell you I wanted to try. Maybe we can do something tomorrow?” Baby steps. She already did what she planned and hanging out might be pushing it. She couldn’t push it anymore.

“Sure. You know where to find me.” Adora seemed a little disappointed, but the smile never left her face.

“Here.” Catra pulled a pen out of her pocket and wrote her number on Adora’s hand. “So you don’t have to just sit here waiting for me anymore,” Catra said, flashing a small smile and starting her walk home.

She made it five steps before her phone rang.

“Seriously, Adora?” She tried to sound annoyed, but she couldn’t stop smiling.

“What? I had to check!” Adora giggled. 

How do you get your face to stop smiling?


	20. Chapter 20

When you’re suddenly in a good mood after weeks of moping around, people notice.

Catra felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders - not all of it, but enough to make her a little lighter. It was nice. She hadn’t felt like that in a long time. Everything just felt… right. Walking was easier, rude people on the street didn’t bother her as much, even the chaotic sounds coming from inside the apartment went over her head.

“What’s wrong with your face?” Entrapta asked the second Catra walked through the door.

“You look almost… happy?” Scorpia said. “Did you kick someone or what?”

“Is that what you think of me?” Catra scoffed playfully. “I just had a nice day.” They didn’t need to know about Adora. Not yet. Not until Catra knew what was going on there.

A loud noise drew her attention to the corner of the room.

“What the fuck happened here?” she said when she noticed the tv was smashed and Entrapta’s robot was spinning.

“Emily failed the latest test, but it’s fine. I’ll fix everything.” Entrapta looked like she had everything figured out. Had she always been like that?

“Try not to break anything else, okay?” Catra said on the way to her room. It was useless, they would absolutely break something else, but it didn’t hurt to try.

“Did she seem weird to you? I think something’s weird,” she heard Scorpia whisper.

_ You have no idea. _

Okay. So she would try to be friends with Adora again. No big deal. It’s not like Catra used to be in love with her. It’s not like she spent years hating her. Yes, it was. How could there be any hope after all that? They were friends all their lives, they could be friends again. Right?

Catra almost jumped out of her skin when her phone pinged three times in a row. Why the fuck wasn’t it on silent?

**Adora (00:01 AM):** So

**Adora (00:01 AM):** It’s technically tomorrow

**Adora (00:01 AM):** Wanna go for lunch later?

Typical Adora. Always eager to make plans. Catra tried to contain a smile. Adora was eager to make plans with  _ her. _ They were texting again, and Catra couldn’t be happier.

**Catra (00:03 AM):** I bet you’ve been waiting for midnight all day huh

**Adora (00:03 AM):** What can I say? I’m excited!

Of course she was excited.

**Catra (00:04 AM):** Dork

Was tomorrow too soon? Catra knew it was coming, and was actually excited to see if they could make it work, but the butterflies in her stomach were starting to make her nauseous. She didn’t know if they were good butterflies or bad ones, but they were definitely annoying.

If it went badly, she could just walk away. Adora would understand - or at least Catra hoped she would. Either way, waiting longer would only make it worse. Better to just rip off the band-aid. 

**Catra (00:10 AM):** Fine.

Catra just hoped she could sleep properly. She was already anxious. No need to add sleep deprivation to it. And no dreams, too. Dreams could go either way. Fuck. Did she even know how to sleep like that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, guys, I tried to get this done sooner but my brain just refused to work!  
> Hope y'all enjoyed this one!


	21. Chapter 21

Time to see Adora. On purpose. For an entire lunch. She could do this. Right?

Catra was starting to spiral, but was determined to at least meet Adora before calling it quits. She’d asked Entrapta to kick her out the door if she didn’t walk out on her own by noon. Entrapta usually took things very literally, so Catra wasn’t eager to find out how she would take this particular request. She made it out the door with about ten seconds to spare, which meant she was already late for lunch. Eh, Adora probably expected that, anyway.

Catra tried not to think about it all before she absolutely had to. She didn’t know why she was doing this, but there had to be a reason. Maybe it would help with the pain a little. She just wished she knew why.

Adora was already sitting there when Catra arrived. Even facing her back Catra could tell she was fidgeting. Adora always did that when she thought no one was watching, but Catra always knew. 

“Hey, Adora.” That always seemed to get a rise out of her.

“Catra, you came!” Adora was all smiles, but there was definitely a pinch of shock in her voice.

“You have got to stop acting so surprised,” Catra said in a smooth, silky voice, the one she always used to tease Adora. “I said I’d come, didn’t I?” She tried to play it cool. She had to establish herself before things got weird. That’s what she used to do before, it should still work.

“Sorry it’s just… it’s been a minute” There it was, the sadness in her eyes. 

“Don’t apologize - not for that.”  _ I can’t take that right now. _

“I guess I have bigger things to apologize for.”  _ Nope. _

“Not yet.” Catra was not ready for that conversation and didn’t know if she would ever be. It was just easier to pretend for now.

“Okay.” Adora nodded. “Just let me know when you’re ready.”

That was enough for the day. Time to change the subject.

“Did you order anything yet? I’m starving.”

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

Catra was actually having a good time. It took a minute for things to get going, but everything was running smoothly. That really was her Adora. The Adora she missed for so long, the one she mourned. She wasn’t gone, and that brought a bittersweet feeling. But now wasn’t time to deal with that. It was the time to enjoy her presence and pretend nothing bad ever happened. 

Maybe pretending would make it true.

They ate so much they could barely talk, but they did it anyway. Catra stretched out her leg under the table to touch Adora’s, the way she used to do whenever they were around other people. No one else was around, but she still needed the reassurance. Reassurance that Adora was actually there, that she wasn’t some dream. She was real and warm.

Catra was always good at pretending. Pretending she didn’t care, pretending she did care, faking the whole spectrum of human emotion. She used to pretend a lot, so much it broke her, in the end. Not so much, anymore.

Sitting there with Adora, Catra was so focused on pretending nothing happened that, for a while, she actually forgot. She went right back to teasing Adora every chance she got, laughing until their faces hurt, and she wished the moment would never end.

Maybe Adora showing up was a good thing, after all.


	22. Chapter 22

Things were going well between Catra and Adora. They hung out quite often and texted all day, but Catra still didn’t want to talk. Adora understood, or at least she said she did, but as hard as she tried, Catra couldn’t put it off forever. 

But that was a problem for future Catra. Present Catra had more pressing matters to think about: meeting the friends.

Somehow Adora had convinced her to finally get to know Sparkles and Arrow, and had planned a whole day together. Needless to say, Catra was not looking forward to it.

Catra didn’t know what she expected, but Adora’s idea of a fun day was not it. They met at a place called the Mystacor Hotel, and it wasn’t like any hotel Catra had ever seen - it was way too shiny. 

“How the fuck did you become such a princess?”

“What?” Adora said, confused. 

“This is the kind of place you hang out at now?” Catra raised her eyebrows. The place didn't seem like Adora at all. At least not the Adora she remembered.

“Hey, my aunt owns this place.” Glimmer said, defensively. 

“I guess that explains all the glitter," she mumbled. 

Glimmer curled her hands into fists. “Listen, you little-” 

“Stop it." Adora cut her off. "Today’s about getting along so maybe don't go at each other's throats so hard, okay?” 

“I’ll behave if she does," Glimmer said with a scowl, and Catra blew a raspberry at her. That was way too easy.

  
  


“I am not getting in the water, Adora.”

“Are you sure? At least sit on the edge and stick your legs in.” There she goes with those eyes.

Water had always reminded Catra of Adora's eyes. Even when she was alone, with nothing but water and fear to keep her company. Stop it. 

"I'll sit, but my legs are staying up here." She sat, looking down at Adora. "Gosh, even your bathing suit screams princess." And it was amazing. Good enough to make Catra wish she could just go in the water and run her hands down Adora's stomach.

"What's up with you and princesses?" Glitter asked, face all scrunched up. Catra had forgotten she was there. 

"I don't like princesses. They showcase their wealth with shiny things" she pointed at Glimmer's earrings "instead of doing something useful with their lives," she finished with a smirk.

Red flooded Glimmer's face, and Catra saw Bow reach for her arm under the water. Pissing her off was fun. 

"How about we get something to drink?" Adora looked a little panicked. Catra poking at Glimmer was probably not how she thought the day would go.

Catra usually liked being around water, as long as she didn't actually get wet, but being near water with Adora was bringing back some feelings she'd managed to push down for the past few days. It didn't help that her new friends were there, reminding Catra that Adora had a new life. A new life that started when their bond cracked. 

Adora's smile was way too sweet, and she looked way too good in that tiny swimsuit for Catra to let those dark thoughts win. She wanted to pretend, just a little bit longer, that she was happy again. Happy and with Adora. 

She tried hard to forget everything and enjoy the day, but a nasty feeling at the pit of her stomach kept pushing her closer and closer to the edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took so long, I got a lil stuck  
> But it's out now, so enjoy and let me know what you think!


	23. Chapter 23

_ When did it get so hot? And what was that horrible smell? _

_ When Catra opened her eyes, she thought she was dreaming. Everything was dark, and her eyes were heavy. Smoke. Fuck, there was smoke everywhere. But where was Adora?  _

_ Adora was nowhere to be found. Why not? She said she'd come back. Why wasn't she back? _

_ It was getting harder and harder to breathe, but Catra was still alone. She had to get off of that fucking boat. She couldn't just jump, she would drown. Adora had tried to teach her to swim once, but it was a long time ago and Catra wasn't paying attention. She always thought Adora would be there if she needed her. Why wasn't she there? _

_ Maybe Adora changed, and Catra just hadn't realized it yet. Maybe Adora didn't love Catra anymore, just got tired of her and decided not to come back. That had to be it. Her Adora would have come back. If she didn't come back, then this had to be a different Adora. Either that or something terrible had happened to her. No. That couldn’t be it.  _

_ Her eyes watered, and Catra told herself it was just the smoke. She had to find her own way out. Adora wasn't coming.  _

Catra was tired of dreaming. She thought giving Adora a chance would make the dreams stop. Apparently not.

The dream reminded her of everything she was trying to forget, of the moment she decided things had to change. Maybe they didn't have to change, but now she would never know. She woke up angry at Adora for leaving her there, and at herself for believing Adora and letting her back in. She was also scared, but thinking about it, maybe she had been scared this whole time. 

Catra checked her phone. Four texts from Adora. Part of her wanted to forget about the dream and go back to pretending nothing happened. She was happy while she was pretending. But Catra knew she couldn’t go on like that for much longer, not without snapping. 

Still, facing reality was a hard thing to do, and something she was great at avoiding. She didn’t reply to the texts, not even when more kept coming a few hours later. She knew the silence would freak Adora out, but Catra couldn’t just have a casual conversation with Adora, not until she dealt with her own shit. 

Catra set her phone to airplane mode after receiving five more texts from Adora. Every beep from her phone made her want to forget everything. If only she could just forget it all and meet Adora all over again.

But she couldn’t forget, and she couldn’t ignore it anymore. They needed to talk, really talk, not just joke around and pretend. 

She just had to gather the courage to talk to Adora about it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I went that long without posting!


End file.
